Because sometimes movies can just go way too far off the reality scale.
The Untouchables: Connery’s drawn out death scene
The first entry on our list is crap for two reasons. Firstly, Scottish actor Sean Connery produces one of cinema’s all-time most hideous accents in attempting to do an Irish voice and failing spectacularly. Secondly, because of the ridiculous drawn out death scene after his character, XXX Malone, is ambushed in his apartment by a Tommy Gun wielding assassin, working on behalf of Al Capone, who fires off a load of slugs. While Connery’s demise does put the audience out of their misery, the death scene is dragged on for a good few minutes as Malone drags his wretched bloody self across his apartment in search of phone. The film, which Connery aside, isn’t atrocious sees Robert De Niro’s Capone being hunted by a small team of coppers led by Elliot Ness, played here by Kevin Costner who, as Robin Hood fans will attest, is no stranger to a dodgy accent himself. But in the end, any credibility bought to the movie by De Niro is wiped out by the middle scene which completely ignores how long it would take to die from God knows how many bullets.
The Hangover: Casino escape
OK, so while The Hangover is a decent film, there is a huge plot hole in the casino scene around half way through. For the uninitiated or absent of mind, a little background: four friends head to Vegas for a stag do and get up to so many wrong things on the first night that by the morning they have lost the groom. From here, a weekend of discovery plays out as the gang gradually recalls their antics in the hope of finding the groom before his big day. On the way they encounter law enforcement, former world champion boxers and organized Asian crime syndicates, the upshot of which has left them in dire and immediate need of funds. Naturally, in Vegas, the first place to try your luck is the casino so off they go to take down the blackjack tables. And indeed they do. In fact, they do so well that the casino’s in house security team is alerted and the gang once again find themselves in trouble. But here’s the unrealistic part: the gang makes off with the money which, when the trouble erupts, is in the form of casino chips, but which we later see as cold hard cash. How did four people on the casino’s naughty list manage to cash their chips? Hmmm. To be fair, if it had been me, I would have used an online casino where the pay is instant and I can stay anonymous, but there you go.
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull: Interdimensional beings as point of fact
Indy’s fourth run out sees the hero twenty years on from where we left him, in the company of ex-girlfriend Marion and son Mutt, and trying to locate an old friend. We are given an early idea of how silly things are going to get after when in a mere half hour in, Indy hides out in a fridge in order to survive nuclear testing. Happily, he survives and sets off on a quest deep into the heart of Latin America, fighting more Euro baddies (played here by Russians). Fans of the original three Indiana Jones movies will be quick to point out that Temple had heart rippers, Raiders had Ark ghosts and Crusade had a knight Templar that technically should have died several centuries earlier, so this is not a franchise against stretching realities. The one thing George Lucas’ other baby didn’t have, though, was aliens. One would have hoped that his Star Wars franchise would have satisfied his thirst for spacey things, but no. Unable to keep his alien excitement under control, Lucas injected aliens into Indy (not to mention an Inca pyramid morphing into a spaceship), and ruined what would otherwise have been the fourth best Indiana Jones movie in the franchise. The movie, now lower in the Indy food chain than the Young chronicles, gave itself the get out clause of calling the what-is-clearly-a -bunch-of-aliens, interdimensional beings. It didn’t work.
James Bond, Goldfinger: Genius disguise
Connery again. This time proving his knack for being all sneaky and ninja like as 007, he infiltrates a bad guy’s hideaway by swimming under water using a fake water bird as a hat. The plan works a treat, and the guards and lookouts are sitting ducks (geddit) who wind up getting what they deserve for failing to recognize the difference between a living creature and poor quality decoy being deployed as spy apparel. Out pops Bond, who instantly ditches the wet-suit (and duck hat) to reveal a flawless tuxedo underneath. That is, before starting to take down the minions, the last one of which is electrocuted in the bath to which Connery, in much the same voice he uses in The Untouchables, simply says “Shocking”.
Die Hard 2: Lighting up the runway
After all John McClane has been through down the years, almost all of the things that have been done to him or he has done to others have been unrealistic to say the least. But what can we say, people just lap this stuff up. The franchise’s first instalment was an instant hit and everlasting classic and, if we’re being honest, a tribute to silliness. Things didn’t get much better for its sequel, which again takes place at Christmas, albeit this time at an airport. McClane isn’t the sort of chap to be hanging around gas guzzling engine jets, least of all when there’s terrorists a plottin’, and sure enough, it isn’t long before Christmas is truly lit up. The film climaxes with John, on runway, lighting the terrorist’s escaping plane fuel with a lighter, which isn’t possible with this particular type of aircraft, a Boeing 747. Also, the fuel shown in the film is extremely hard to light, especially in snow. Sorry, fire fans.