Monsters

Bloody Valentine: 6 Monsters That Would Make Great Partners

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Did you miss out on having a Valentine this Valentine’s day? Perhaps because you were looking in all the wrong places. Tall, dark, and handsome is too old school. If you are looking for a truly amazing partner you need to look for someone toothy, bloody, and mutated. Here are some grisly suggestions for monsters that would make great partners.

1. Freddy Kreuger Is The Monster Of Your Dreams

Freddy Kreuger the monster from Nightmare on Elm street poses with his clawed glove. He looks flayed and gruesome.
Credit to New Line Cinema

Got an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? Freddy’s got your back. Who needs sweet Edward Scissorhands when you have this flayed beauty to help you out? Speaking of beauty, since Freddy has a face only a mother can love, you don’t have to worry about fighting off the ladies if you’re the jealous type. You’ll have Freddy all to yourself. Lucky you. Freddy also loves children which makes him a fantastic babysitter if you’re looking for a night out on the town.

2. Just The Thing For You

Do you have a thing for Geminis or get bored dating one person at a time? Then The Thing is the perfect monster match for you. Quite literally two-faced and always changing his skin, The Thing can provide you with loads of entertainment.

The 1982 version of the thing with it's two faces pulling apart in agony.
Credit to The Turman-Foster Company

Whether you’re looking to stay in for a quiet movie night or go out partying, The Thing is always happy to assimilate to your needs and mood. It is also great with animals. Your dog is guaranteed to get along with this gem.

3. Death Angel Is A Perfect Listener

Have you had a long work or school day and just want to come home and have someone listen to you? Super-sensitive hearing allows these monsters to listen intently to all your troubles. They are also completely blind so you will know that they love you for your brains and not your looks.

The Death Angel monsters from a quiet place with its armored head open so its middle ear can hear its prey.
Credit to Platinum Dunes

For the tall girls and guys out there, Death Angels range from six to nine feet in height. You can wear your heels without worrying about towering over your date. A tall, armored, and toothy Death Angel gives you the very best of all worlds.

4. Stripe Is The Monster With A Plan

Looking for someone (not) so large but still very much in charge? Stripe is the monster for you if you want an alpha. He commands hoards of gremlins but that doesn’t mean he’s all work and no play. He will be sure to make time to go for a swim, watch a cute Disney film (Snow White is his favorite), or play video games with you.

Spike the monster from Gremlins sits at a table with playing cards and a drink. His large green ears look like bat wings. His white tuff of a mohawk is placed on top of a scaly, ugly face.
Credit to Warner Bros.

Stripe is big on loyalty and expects the same in return. He is always looking to the future and likes to have a plan. Whether that’s building his malevolent army or building a life with you. You’re sure to conquer all with this highly organized monster by your side knees.

5. The Charming Audrey II

Are you looking for someone to sweep you off your feet? Look no further since Audrey II is the smoothest talker in town. Known for its charm, this monster will surely make you swoon. His wicked charm can also be used to your advantage as Audrey II can get practically anyone to do anything.

Audry II from "Little Shop of Horrors" in his large for. He takes up the entire room and looks like a venus fly trap with large red lips and thick teeth.
Credit to The Filmgroup

If your boss isn’t being nice enough or your local dentist made your gums bleed, Audrey II will be your right-hand monster in making sure they’re taken care of. Audrey II also has a major appetite. It won’t make you feel guilty for that extra cupcake you decided to eat because it understands.

6. The Predatory Work Out Buddy

If you enjoy sports and some friendly competition a Predator would be the best monster for you. Their favorite outdoor activities are catch and hide and go seek which makes them playful and fun. When they aren’t playing, they make a great gym partner since they’re always looking to better their physique. These monsters aren’t just their dashing looks and luscious locks, however, as they have a deep respect for cultural practices and have vast historical knowledge. Brains and brawn!

Predator monster without his mask. His mouth is pulled apart showcasing fangs in all directions. One eye is whited out and the other is blood red. His dreads hand thick and loose around his pointed head.
Credit to Lawrence Gordon Productions

Next Valentine’s Day reconsiders where you go looking for love. There are some true diamonds in the rough that can offer you an extensive amount of amazing attributes. Give these scaley, leafy, fleshy, and gory monsters a fighting chance!

Culture Contributor

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